“Do you think you’ll try for a girl?” is probably the most frequent response I get after telling people I’m having another (gasp!) boy. A good friend of mine with two boys told me that when people would ask her if they were planning on having a 3rd child she would respond, “Yep, we’re going to try for another boy.” Haha.
The thing is, I already have a daughter. And, I suppose in fairness to the strangers who are asking me really personal questions about my reproductive plans, the fact that I have a daughter isn’t obvious. However, I do have a daughter. I conceived and carried her. I delivered and held her. I fell head over heels in love with her and love her more today than I did the day she was born. Of course, she isn’t here with us, and so that makes people confused or uncertain about whether I actually have a daughter or not. No, I don’t get to comb her hair and pin back her curls with bows. No, I don’t get to paint her nails. No, I’ll never see her in a wedding dress. But, are those the things that make me a mother? I don’t think so. I think motherhood is about loving someone with every fiber of your being, and knowing that they love you too. When I think about Clementine and motherhood, my biggest worry and concern is whether I make her proud. Whether I am raising her brother (soon to be brothers) the right way. Whether she knows how much I love her. Whether I’m doing a good job.
Do I miss having a daughter? No. I miss having MY daughter. My son is amazing. My love for him is so much more than I ever thought possible, and as my other son’s birthday approaches, I feel Clementine’s absence even more. She is such a fundamental part of our family. Would another daughter remedy that? Of course not. 1000 more daughters wouldn’t replace the one that we lost. That’s what makes asking me if we’re going to try for a girl such an insulting question. Insulting to Clementine, insulting to Wyatt, and insulting to this new baby boy I’m growing. I love my children, and feel honored to be their mother. I am proud of my family and hope they are proud of me.
Are we going to try for another baby after this one? I should like to think there’s another baby in our future. Heck, maybe the next pregnancy will be twins. Twin boys!